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I have an obsession with knowing people's stories. Life stories, love stories, the happenings, the non-happenings, regrets, reflections. All the boys I date go through an ongoing grilling about what they were thinking or wanting at different moments in the initial fireworks stages. What did they think of me during the first conversation, first kiss? What did they want out of the situation? What did they think would happen later? What did they think of my reactions? It's like putting together a puzzle, fitting their reality with mine. Sometimes it doesn't quite fit - 'OMG I can't believe you thought I didn't like you' being one cliche classic - and the final painting ends up, I'd like to think, like a Matisse painting: bright colours, looks kinda like reality with an endearing quirkiness. It's the process that attracts me as well, you learn so much about a person by the hopes they clung to, the assumptions made, signs read or misread. That's why I invariably stay friends with these boys, the debriefing analysing is fascinating. Even when it all goes wrong, several years later you get to sit down and pull the mess apart, untangle, rewind it into a neater ball. Ideally. 

Had the perfect one night stand, by my definition of it at least. He talked to me for hours, was generally very considerate, made me laugh, an impossibly irreverent sense of humour reminding me of of good friends back home. Entirely non-seedy, only slightly alcoholic. It was spontaneous fun. 

But now I have to let it go, every rational part of me knows it. Saw the danger signs, he's likely to get emotional, its just not going to end well from any point further than this. But it's killing me to not know his story. What was he thinking? What had he wanted out of it? At what point did he realise I might be interested? What convinced him to make a move? Why? Is he also going to look back on it and laugh?

The thought of never knowing makes me ache, just a little. Bittersweet, because in a way the uncertain endings are sometimes just how its meant to be, but at the same time it's sad that I'll never get to see the full painting. I'll carry with me half the colours, half the brush strokes, and that will always look lonely.

Short and sweet

There has actually been insane amounts of things happening, mostly good, some goose-bump inducing-ly crazy, some that will take a while to digest. Loving the ride overall. Figuring out what one wants seems to be such a messy, interesting, frustrating and fulfilling process. Two steps forward, one step back. Life is all about experiences, and now, finally, I'm back on track having some crazy fun ones!  Right now, on zero hours of sleep in the last 24, I have two days to write two essays one of which was due a couple of days ago. 

Crap :D 

Also, apple and passionfruit martinis are a.m.a.z.i.n.g. 

21st century kid

Woke up this morning after what must've been a traumatic night, cos all the hair on the left side of my head was sticking out horizontally. Fifteen minutes of talking to it soothingly, patting, twirling and dabbing with water proved futile so off to a strong burst of hot water it went. Another fifteen minutes later most of the it was in the biologically allocated position, a few strays popped up again later. Honestly! 

Noteworthy though, is that I first saw this situation in the reflection of the laptop screen as it was coming out of hibernation, and first instinct was to google the problem. Not reaction, instinct. Before the brain  had even begun to start processing the thought of waking up, before the blinds were opened, before feet touched the floor, the laptop was already switched on, mail had already been checked and cursor was blinking expectantly in the little google search bar.  

Ten seconds later a bleary brain still in a semi-comatose state pinged. A little half feeling that something is odd. Which is when it dawned that perhaps I have a problem. In a need to go for meetings and say my name before admitting it kind of way. This isn't normal, surely? To be so totally addicted to a computer, cute though it is, and the internet to the extent that you have to have it on all the time? And you do so in a sub-conscious state? 

So of course, I googled it :D There are tests for Internet addiction, support groups [online. haha], and blogs on the subject. A separate sub-category for those addicted to google ["The Coke of the web. Sweet, available everywhere and the first choice of the consumer"]. Basically there are addicts to everything, including job searches, rss feeds and of course blogging. Most of those are a bit over the top of course, at least some of those are tongue in cheek. Hopefully. 

What I find disturbing is the restlessness that turns up if the comp isn't on, or *GASP* the internet isn't working. Every time I've gone camping and there hasn't been phone reception for a few days, its been such a release to not be able to use it. Its partly the techie in me that tends to get overly caught up in the newest toys and programs, partly trying to keep the important long distance friendships going but this is a little insane. 

So, have decided that one extreme calls for a temporary swing to the other extreme. Which might entail switching off wireless for most of the day *gulp* and setting a timer :|. Good cause. Have to study too, shyte. So yes, looking forward to a few days of living in reality and going for walks, perhaps finding myself a cozy spot in a comfy tree and hanging out? :D Although haven't tried that in the winter before... Hmmm...

Survival

So, four straight nights of alcoholic mayhem, one bone drenching rainstorm, one small teeth chattering hailstorm, and a ridiculously inadequate quantity of sleep later, my immune system is still happy and relatively strong. A little tired, but hanging in there.

Can I just say, I'm kinda impressed?!?!

One more big one to go :D

Shades of awesomeness!

Commitment phobic, independent spirit, its all a matter of perspective really. All I know is that at this moment in time, I am without a doubt thoroughly addicted to being single. The last couple of nights have been shades of awesome!! :D A heady, exhilarating mix of fun music, crazy theme parties, tequila, vodka, pineapple juice, funky friendly people and general mayhem. Total spontaneity is such an adrenaline rush. Made lots of friends! Including one particular boy *grin* who besides being cuuute, with a damn good body, also had the impressive ability to carry on a hard core politics/psychoanalysis/history conversation at the bar of a club with music blasting out of speakers a couple of feet away. I think I'm in like. So huggable, he was. Anyway, in typically me fashion I disappeared without saying goodbye so he has probably vanished into the universe, but it was nice :) To be honest the highlight of that night was just the dancing, laughing and going crazy. The theme was 'bright and tight' [dodgy, I know] but wearing wildly contrasting bright red, green and orange made the hippie in me so happy. Trust me, the net effect was not as bad as that sounds :D

Really need to work on flirting signal recognition. Its terrible the extent to which I really do not notice all this implied rubbish. Partly because I cant be bothered, partly because c'mon, Aussies are just all friendly and outgoing. Its tough to distinguish between 'hey I think you're fun' and 'hey you might potentially be really fun' [drunken hookup signals are irrelevant]. Plus if you dont know the person that opens up the entire avenue of personality - some people are just really really outgoing.

Anyway, while recovering from severe lack of sleep, overdose of chemicals and the morning after torture from cruel but sexy heels, it hit me that I dont want to give up this freedom for a very very long time. Not just in the partying aspect of life but just generally, the space to do entirely random things, whatever I want, whenever I want without having someone go all sulky on me. It applies to friends too, cant handle clingy people who need to be babysat. *shudder*.

Ok have to continue battle with sheet to turn it into a toga for tonight!

Did I mention, o week ROCKS?