I hate being 'in like'

You know what I don't get about unrequited 'like'? How could a connection possibly be only one way? You make me laugh, you make me think, you make me feel completely alive and annoyed and challenged and beautiful all at the same time. G'darn you. I didn't WANT to feel like this. IRRITATING, thats what you and your puppy eyes are.

*breathe*

How could it possibly be one way? It just doesn't make sense to me. If one person is affected, surely the other person is too? Of course the fact that it took me more than a year to realise, and kept being mean to him/ running away from him is a minor detail. Right?

It hit me about 2 months ago, I have a type! :D This meaningful piece of information dispensed the haziness that used to be any type of attraction to males. Very rarely has any member of that species appealed to me as more than a friend and that is apparently because my type seems to be quite rare. I like very cheeky and naughty with a good boy exterior. Think Robbie Williams meets Hugh Jackman. Sigh.

So anyway, this particularly troublesome specimen is driving me up the wall. Does he like me, does he not like me - hypothetical flowers are losing their petals at a rate and I'm still not getting an answer. Looking back on the year I've known him I'm pretty surprised he even talks to me. Oh, I was so mean to him. In affection, of course, not sure if he knows that. At 3am I'm haunted by how needlessly horrible I was. But then he scared me by being terrifyingly caring and sweet. Maybe its just a rebound thing, but OMG it's doing my head in!

Keep vacillating between:

cutting him out of my life:

I'll never know if maybe he would like me back

I'd miss him as a friend

I'd always wonder where he is/what the weather is like there/ what he's doing/whether he's happy. especially that last one.

I would upset me so much if he did that to me.

immediate action = immediate relief from suspense

I can get over it already, g'damnit.

clean cut solution to the problem

no awkward conversation

telling him immediately over sms:

Haven't seen him in a while, dunno how he'll take it

hate having important convs over impersonal mediums of communication

he's more likely to freak out

get it over with, move on, quit whinging

telling him in person:

i have to wait about a month!!

I might throw myself off a cliff and/or drive my friends to violence/self-harm in the meantime

suspense makes me lose my mind

this conv is best had in person

I can make him understand its not a big deal and convince him to stay friends.

make sure its not awkward for him

and there is this silly girly voice in my head which says maybe he'll like me back... i make him laugh too... and he likes my company... maybe...

GAH!!!!

'Heartless'

I'm not the crying sort, find it rather unhelpful and pointless in most situations. This book had tears streaming down till 3am. Simple, straightforward language expressing emotions raw like skin scraping against rough concrete. The certainty based on rationality with which I approach life in general was given a severe shaking, casually churned over a few times and tossed back onto the floor. Heart wrenching helplessness. How is it that 'real' life never makes me feel like this?

A fleeting half second of doubt. Should I have walked away from him? Perhaps it was good, better than I realised and the fault was with me, and my inability to be still. But sanity reigned. Even amongst emotional chaos and racing thoughts my gut reassures me I am where I want to be. Where I should be. And so is he. Moving more swiftly than expected towards a type of happiness and contentment we could never get from each other. So much chemistry dissolving, dissolved into nothingness. Or perhaps transformed into another form of energy, more stable, softer, less demanding.

After several years of long distance his voice is the most familiar, most Him to me. Deep and warm and comforting, even now when he isn't mine anymore. I used to lose focus on the words and just let the feelings wash over me, snuggle into the security offered. A lot has changed, there are things we cannot say anymore, there are things we cannot say just yet. Ten minutes of small talk can still calm me down. We are where we should be.

Let's go dance under the streetlights

"Some people, its a pity,

They go all their lives and never know,

How to love or let love go"

- Rob Thomas, Streetcorner Symphony

That knowing when to let go stuff, it gets so complicated. 

When is something broken enough to leave before it is so completely shattered that it leaves little shards of itself embeded in you forever? 

Subterfuge

Watched Miss Pettigrew lives for a day, because even though I'm supposed to be cramming my ass off for 48 hours a day, the trailers caught my attention. I love movies that pick you up by the scruff of the neck and place you squarely, sometimes not so gently in another time and completely different world. Two hours of being caught up in an alternate reality with certain rules that ensure a basic degree of emotional safety. By this I mean that you know a romantic comedy will have either a blatant, often unrealistic happy ending or at the very least a neat, hopeful ending. In the middle, there will be tears, confusion and personal chaos. The music will tell you what to feel, and also what is about to happen, another method of preparing you. A sad movie is doomed from the start, and there signposts along the way. This doesn't mean that you don't get attached to the characters or that the plot is boring, just that it is clear a prior investment in tissues is necessary. Also, don't wear contact lenses. 

Anyway, trotted along for my happiness fix, brought down the average age in the theatre by about 60 years and became immersed in a crazy upper class 1930s London. It is not meant to be taken too seriously, its light and mostly fun. The one issue it did bring up however is the games people play. Lies, falsely hinting at things, pretending and then people wonder how it all got so complicated. Why they don't get what they want. Gee, I wonder. When did it all get so complicated?

Don't get me wrong, I find the little harmless mind games on the side lots of fun, but nothing significant even if I wanted to because I'm totally crap at hiding how I feel. Happy - smile, Sad -no smiles/quiet/expressionless/go to sleep. Life is too short for bullshit when it comes to the important stuff. Get a life, seriously. 

As a kid I was anti relationships, the whole finding a boy, getting married, damn picket fence in the mind numbing suburbs. Partly from not having particularly endearing examples of a marriage, partly from believing there is something dodgy about so much of your life depending on someone else; surely it's more about building your own life and person. I still think I'm kinda right, marriage isn't really necessary anymore, and townhouses are great, however, the people in your life make it what it is in many many ways. The boy has a large role, that's inescapable which makes it tempting to turn lesbian sometimes, the best friends and the good friends are all important to making it through with that fun, delicate balance of sanity and insanity. 

So what's with the creating murky waters? If you can't tell the people closest to your life the awkward things that even you wish you didn't know, perhaps that tells you something. Chances are, they'll surprise you. Or you get to filter for weeds.

Maybe I don't wanna hold your hand...

After a little pondering, I've reached the conclusion that there are two types of trust. 

1 - blind faith in the other person

2 - faith in your judgement, the ability to recognise what the person is and is not capable of doing. 

I can think of only two people I'd trust in the first way, and even that is based on the fact that I believe I know them well enough to know they're solid. Gold. Personally, I think the first type on its own is delusional and asking for trouble. 

Information is power. The more you know of someone, history, the choices they've made - under stress, impulsively, when very drunk, when angry, when they just stubbornly wanted something - it all adds up to give a picture of how strong a character the person has. How far they can keep in focus what they really want, and what they have to do to get that while there are all kinds of delicious distractions along the way.

Ooo.. trust + delicious distractions in one sentence, surely this is about relationships and delectably sordid fooling around right? Partly. It's also about people relying on each other in general. With a close friend, you give your self esteem just a little bit. They are privy to information that carries with it some of your pride, your ego. They are put into situations where conflicts of interest arise and it is a prisoner's dilemma. To tell or not to tell? Whose ass to save? Will they safeguard you over their ego? 

Then there is the even more interesting question, can you trust them to recognise when you/your ego needs protecting? In the rush of wanting something, would they be able to step back and realise the cost to you? Or just rush in to get what they want, satisfy their ego and then think 'oops' a few moments too late?  

To trust someone completely because you know you cannot trust him at all, wouldn't that be ironic.