21st century kid

Woke up this morning after what must've been a traumatic night, cos all the hair on the left side of my head was sticking out horizontally. Fifteen minutes of talking to it soothingly, patting, twirling and dabbing with water proved futile so off to a strong burst of hot water it went. Another fifteen minutes later most of the it was in the biologically allocated position, a few strays popped up again later. Honestly! 

Noteworthy though, is that I first saw this situation in the reflection of the laptop screen as it was coming out of hibernation, and first instinct was to google the problem. Not reaction, instinct. Before the brain  had even begun to start processing the thought of waking up, before the blinds were opened, before feet touched the floor, the laptop was already switched on, mail had already been checked and cursor was blinking expectantly in the little google search bar.  

Ten seconds later a bleary brain still in a semi-comatose state pinged. A little half feeling that something is odd. Which is when it dawned that perhaps I have a problem. In a need to go for meetings and say my name before admitting it kind of way. This isn't normal, surely? To be so totally addicted to a computer, cute though it is, and the internet to the extent that you have to have it on all the time? And you do so in a sub-conscious state? 

So of course, I googled it :D There are tests for Internet addiction, support groups [online. haha], and blogs on the subject. A separate sub-category for those addicted to google ["The Coke of the web. Sweet, available everywhere and the first choice of the consumer"]. Basically there are addicts to everything, including job searches, rss feeds and of course blogging. Most of those are a bit over the top of course, at least some of those are tongue in cheek. Hopefully. 

What I find disturbing is the restlessness that turns up if the comp isn't on, or *GASP* the internet isn't working. Every time I've gone camping and there hasn't been phone reception for a few days, its been such a release to not be able to use it. Its partly the techie in me that tends to get overly caught up in the newest toys and programs, partly trying to keep the important long distance friendships going but this is a little insane. 

So, have decided that one extreme calls for a temporary swing to the other extreme. Which might entail switching off wireless for most of the day *gulp* and setting a timer :|. Good cause. Have to study too, shyte. So yes, looking forward to a few days of living in reality and going for walks, perhaps finding myself a cozy spot in a comfy tree and hanging out? :D Although haven't tried that in the winter before... Hmmm...

All the world's a stage, please can I, may I leave the theatre now?

Drama should be forcibly limited to when there are people acting. Which, of course takes place with or without a stage, costumes, lighting, a set. All very well, as long as its carefully put into one of those sealed isolation units in alien movies - monitored, any sign of leakage swiftly dealt with preferably in a method involving permanent separation. Basically, I fervently wish it would stay the hell away from my life, because I can't cope. 

Especially when there are large vats of other people's lifelong happiness at stake. Oh bloody hell, kill me now. Keep being told I'm good at calming people down etc etc.. Interesting, that, cos the only thing going on in my head is a brain shattering silent scream. Desire to sprint away and hide under the bed, violently muttering incoherencies while rocking and pulling at hair. Oh yes, and sucking thumb. When the white coats come, there will be one ready and eager to be incarcerated person enthusiastically bowling them over in a mad rush for the barred van door. Freedom. This kind of stress really is sanity destroying.

Also, freaking hate prisoner's dilemmas. So annoying that the equilibrium is rarely ever in the best outcome box. Theoretically, peacefully confined to the limits of a two dimensional page its fun and interesting, in real life it can kiss my shapely posterior - I freaking need my sleep. As might possibly be evident, haven't had sufficient quantities of that. 

Grrrrr... 

*curls up under quilt*

Ten happiness inducing things

Ok I was caught by Sach, first time in this little blog's life that its been tagged! Sooo.. in no particular order:

1 - Big Sunday brunch in the sun with a good book at a cosy, friendly little street cafe.

2 - The energy and possibilities of a city, particularly Melbourne

3 - Picking up the phone and hearing the voice of someone I love, especially first thing in the morning.

4 - Daydreaming

5 - Friendly dogs - labs are number one on that list.

6 - Beautiful, lyrical writing, that brings alive a feeling or a moment.

7 - Hugs - proper borderline bone crushing, I love you and never want to let you go hugs. 

8 - Laughing and getting on a natural high with friends

9 - Funky gadgets

10 - Interesting conversations with unusual people. 

Kaiser, 

Cerno,  

Ravana [though perhaps acknowledging a tag might make him mortal, oops? :D ]

Tagged! You're it! [Is that even the same game? Hmm...]

Hazy shades of cramming

Made it through mid semester assessment, vaguely alive. As usual muttering profanities at the idiotic previous self that chilled out and procrastinated, leaving things till there was no later left. 

Afterwards, I got to think about why it is that cramming works. What is it about that last minute desperation, that makes learning so much easier, more efficient and effortless compared to when you've actually got time to 'learn properly'? Honest to whatever greater being there is out there, I did try to study weekly. Economics for example, at least an hour or two was spent trying to read that textbook and giving up because it was just a collection of gibberish sentences and what looked to me like random lines all over the place, wont even get started on the equations that didn't equate to anything visible. So yes, gave up and went ahead with all the kazillion more interesting things there are to do. 

5 weeks later, roughly 6 hours before the exam, rummaged through a few boxes, dug out the book, blew away the dust, sneezed for about half a hour, etc etc usual process, and opened it fully expecting a headache. Had even carefully positioned Panadols, M&Ms and glasses of water. 2 hours later, I'm positively gliding through pages upon pages of this stuff, all of which makes perfect sense and is actually interesting!! 

How does that happen?? I timed the grief inducing chapter so lovingly mentioned earlier  - took 20 minutes[!!#$%!] to read through and everything just fell into place. Kinda like the parting of the sea, suddenly vast areas of dry land where there used to be enough water to drown in. I've heard of people mentioning being 'in the zone' which might explain it, but not entirely sure what that is exactly. 

So, with a month to go for finals, I'm sitting here trying to convince myself that exams are tomorrow. For some reason myself is laughing back at me. Sigh. Winter exams suck. What little motivation survives the procrastination gets frostbite and goes on strike. A little hypnosis would be useful right about now.

Memo

Good resolutions involve cleaning, clearing, filing, organising, alphabeticalising, colour-coding and writing lists. Usually a happy process, because of course, from now on I will be organised, and efficient and responsible and not a procrastinator. In the middle of the back patting and general sense of purpose, an awful doomed feeling crashed the party. I've done this sooo many times in my [shortish] life so far. The clean desk, the suddenly filled with writing organiser. And it keeps coming back to this. It's scary to think that lucking out is most likely a scarce commodity which has been mined as if it were unlimited. Yikes. The lucky streak is going to run out. I don't want to be bankrupt!! 

Never want to do this again. There's a limit to optimism, it needs some help from reality to keep going. It's Autumn: running out of new leaves to turn.

xxx

The 'just before' sucks. Waiting for something to happen, either good or bad. For all the lasts to be over: last night, last day, last meal, last trip up the mountain, last hug, last look, last wave, last glimpse. Interesting how the airport is divided into the happy arrivals section [Love Actually!] and the often awkward departure lounges, where people are waiting for those final minutes to pass. Holding onto those, willing them to either just go on forever or disappear entirely - all physically impossible. And there's nothing else to be done really, except wait for them to pass, to get onto the process of mentally, emotionally, adjusting to the new version of existence. Weird, walking into a building, walking out half an hour later and so many things just not there anymore. 

Olympic rant

 These anti-China protesters are annoying. Agreed, China does have a dodgy [to put it mildly] human rights record, they're evasive, controlling, and the poor Tibetans are being treated terribly etc etc. Yes, just before the Olympics is a good public moment to air all those issues, thumbs up for free speech!

However, to seriously suggest that entire countries should not take part is unfair on many levels, but most importantly on the athletes who've been training for literally four years with 2008 in mind. This isn't an event that happens every year, a delay of 12 months would be bad enough, 48 months is a very long time. 

The protests should have taken place seven years ago when the Olympic committee was choosing the country in 2001. Now, it is only a question of airing opinions. The violence that has surrounded the Olympic relay puts the world to shame, with people in the 'developed' countries proving to be unable to respect boundaries. Having processions I can totally understand, there are some serious human rights issues going on, but to go to the extent of disrupting the relay, requiring the flame to be put out, is really a bit much. 

The Flame has a symbolism beyond that of just the Beijing games. It doesn't belong to any one country, and is supposed to represent Olympic values, like friendship, solidarity and fair play to name a few. Seems like there isn't much of that going around. 

If you really truely feel strongly that something should be done, boycott all Chinese products, not the Olympics. The world happily exploits the ultra cheap goods that come out of China without a second  thought, but have a huge moral dilemma with China holding a sports event? Rubbish.  Hypocrites.

Old Friends

Can you imagine us years from today,
Sharing a park bench quietly 

How terribly strange to be seventy - Simon and Garfunkel

There are so many horror stories of friendship turned arsenic: gruesome and bloody backstabbings, smashing of trust with blunt instruments, unauthorised sharing of top level secrets. Despite going to an all girls school, I managed to float through school observing and generally avoiding some ridiculously complicated friendship politics. The clean up squad was more my thing - once the missiles were spent, voices reduced to a raspy croaks and tear ducts exhausted, peace troops would be needed to clean up and sort out. That was quite fun, talking to both sides, investigating the situation, finding middle ground, clearing up what was invariably a small, deadly misinterpretation of words. Blimey, the energy wasted on drama!

There are a few people who fall into the park bench category for sure. Swallow and Glitch are utterly easygoing, happy go lucky, solid, up for anything [not always a good thing with me around] and total soul mates in a non-cheesy, non-astrology.com kind of way. Coaster is rather more complicated: the image of a vertigo inducing, erratic yet strangely reliable roller coaster springs to mind. While on it, there are moments of panic and illness, but being on the ground involves being lost and without a compass, even though I often disagree with his sense of direction. Yea, its complicated. Birdboy probably be there would too, but thats a situ still floating around in midair at the moment.

There are potentials that hover around, new friends, old friendships that would be missed terribly if they were to dissolve, but those are constants necessary for all to be right in the world.

Long distance close friendships are tough. I miss how easy it is to be with them, the short hand which cuts through explaining, the instinctively knowing when something is up without having to be told/tell. How we always, always end up having a good time getting ourselves into and out of crazy situations, laughing all the while. Even the shittiest day turns around. 

In a way, the worst part is not being able to share the good stuff. Dancing in the rain, rolling in the hail, funky concerts, beautiful Victorian buildings with ivy curling up its walls, impulsive drives, walking through the city and randomly stumbling across a jazz band in a courtyard, little country towns out of Enid Blyton, candy stores, stationery warehouses, chatting to interesting strangers, in a club, dancing to that song you know they'd go crazy for if they were here, even or perhaps especially, just feeling happy for no reason. 

Feeling a little friend-sick. 

Don't want to be my winter

It's finally arrived. That constant chill, hanging out persistently even on the sunniest spots of the pavement. Jeans and t-shirt weather has long gone, shorts rejected and stuffed into dark corners of the clothes shelves a week ago. Fingers and toes starting to get numb during the day. Finally gave in and took down all the neatly packed away winter coats, socks, beanies. So much wool. So much weight. Still resisting the electric heater: semi denial.

Last winter was a bit of a disaster overall, which might have been expected considering it was the first for this particular sunny islander. Wasn't expecting just how utterly cold and harsh and actually quite miserable it was. Finally understood seasonal depression. After nineteen years of taking it entirely for granted that going outside meant sun and warmth and comfort like a hug, suddenly its just not there. Unimaginable. In school, the crazy girl who'd choose to stay in the sun for hours if need be, that was me. Fortunately its largely sunny down under, cannot begin to fathom living in a gloomy country for more than a few weeks.

On a brighter note, seem to have got a grip this time around. Touch wood. Use a support system, keep the neurons whizzing. It's a case of watching the extremes, keeping the slips from turning into slides. Sleeping in is okay, eighteen hours a day for three weeks straight, mmm, not so much. To be fair, it was a accumulation of a kazillion different badly timed factors/incidents/judgements, as such things tend to be.

Autumn is so pretty. Trees turning a whole range of warm colours. Crispy, curly leaves floating down. Just the right temperature: cold enough to feel minty clean, but warm enough to be snug in a couple of layers. And you can still feel the sun properly. The campus is basically a garden with a few buildings built on the sidelines, so it's gorgeous in the summer, breathtaking in the autumn, bare and harsh during the winter.

Game plan is to breathe in as much as possible while its good, avoid intense Snow Patrol songs and laugh lots.

Just three miles from the rest stop, she slams on the breaks

That flash of piercing clarity where you realise, from the depths of your gut, that this is not where you want to be. Its not a logical conclusion derived after analysis, or a calculated decision after weighing up pros and cons, but a quiet sort of 'right, I'm not putting up with this rubbish anymore' which has a powerful, contained resolve.

You may have been rationally analysing along those lines for months or been miserable for ages or perhaps a quiet feeling had been sneaking up unawares for some time, but what I'm talking about is that final spark which breaks the connection keeping you in a certain place, whether it is in a relationship, a job or just waking up to what a quagmire your comfort zone has become. Rob Thomas sums it up beautifully:

She said - while you were sleeping
I was listening to the radio
And wondering what you're dreaming when
It came to mind that I didn't care

- Rest Stop by Matchbox Twenty

Somehow those last two lines capture how things just click into place in a quiet, often completely random moment.  It doesn't necessarily hail the end of self doubt at that twitching hour of 3am [MB20 again!], just that its easier to rationalise the brain back to sleep. You've passed that point where what you want, generally in my case, sanity, slips higher on the priority list overtaking whatever was creating drama.

I've always felt that 'vibrant' is too strongly complimentary an adjective to use on a person. Until I met my ex-boss. She is the most intensely alive person I've met to date. I'm going to quit while ahead and leave readers to use their imagination rather than try to describe her. Lets just say no one who met her, no matter how briefly, could ever forget her, customers were guaranteed to be walking away with a smile on their faces. She's just one of those.

She had been working at her job for over 20 years, longer than I've been alive! She's always loved it, her first job which she assumed would be her only one. We joked that she had roots entwined in the foundations of the place and she could never leave because the place would fall apart, and spirit wise it was so very true. In the last couple of years however, change of management etc etc, it became insanely, unfairly and more annoying, unneccesarily stressful for her and people kept telling her she deserved better and should leave but she couldnt. There was a massive emotional investment: her husband worked there, the team was like family, she had known all the regular customers and retailers for years. She fell ill constantly, was permanently stressed out for about two years before she reached that 'rest stop moment', a tipping point, where everything fell into place and she was able to break out of the unhealthy situation within her comfort zone and move on without looking back.

Non-mutual breakups are so messy and painful because one person has reached that moment but the other is yet to get there. And that sucks, as you can't force an epiphany. It's one of those irritating mental switches that you can lean over and juuust brush with your fingers, unable to get enough of a grasp to flip it at will. 

Just three miles from the rest stop
And she slams on the breaks
She said I tried to be but I'm not
And could you please collect your things
I don't wanna be cold
I don't wanna be cruel
But I gotta find more
Than what's happening with you
If you'd open up the door...