(anti)Procrastination strategy #6574987931

I am a procrasti-anythinger. Why limit onself to being a procrasti-cleaner or procrasti-baker? I will grab at anything - tree branches, thin air - to avoid doing the work I need to do.

HOWEVER, desperate times call for painful, wretched measures. Namely, waking up early in the morning. (Groan) And then, instead of turning to e mail/ blogs and facebook for sweet relief from the reality hangover, I will do some real work.

Blimey.

Im meeting my supervisor tomorrow and currently mid panicked flurry of activity so this fantastical day will probably occur on Saturday. This sums up my life for the last few months... hectic work before meeting -> present facade of diligent student during meeting -> collapse into an indolent pile of glued to tv until the next meeting.

I'm too old for this.

Humans! Aaargh!

The cray cray anti-Islam video does not surprise me. There are 6.973 billion people on the planet, multitudes get onto the internet every day and the only restrictions on the bullshit they add to the world wide web is their upload limit as per their internet contract.

This article by William Saletan is the best response I've come across so far, its matter of fact and doesn't waste time blaming people or being shocked and horrified.

Home is where... where you put the stuff you love?

The biggest life shift this year has been finding, setting up and residing in a share house. It's a freaking awesome homey, hippie house but it did require quite a bit of blood, sweat and tears to set up. The rental market is BRUTAL, especially if you're a student with a stopgap casual job. Noone seems to care that its a superfun job. Several Saturdays vanished in a haze of tottering between rental inspections - pretty sure one real estate agent thought i was stalking him, I saw his bewildered expression when I turned up to wander around yet another house with an air dazed hopefulness. Perhaps if I smiled sweetly someone will give me their house to have my sedate uni student parties in. Heh.

The hardest part: knowing my name is on the lease. I'm really quite attached to my ass and now it is on the line if ANYTHING happens to this beautiful house, or if one of my housemates skips town.Getting appliances and everything that a house needs was kinda annoying but also a life altering experience. Did you know there is such a thing as an avocado slicer, which looks NOTHING like a knife? Whoa.

The funnest part: living with friends is like a permanent sleepover where you don't have to get cold feet getting to your own bed! Walking to uni is through a magical forest (no, really, its like Narnia) and along a creek.

Spring skiing = tropical version of a winter sport

So its winter, and I'm up at the snow for a week of super intense writing with a dash of skiing thrown in. Unfortunately for my essays/ thesis the weather has been stunning, the ski slopes that I can see from my bedroom window look so smooth and fun. Oh dear.

The Boy organises this trip every year for his skiing friends and this is the first year I've come up. It's been pretty freaking awesome. The ski lodge is super comfortable located on the mountain itself so the highlight is definitely being able to roll out of bed and ski straight out of the lodge.A huge plus is that it's spring - lovely, sunny and warm! Benefits of a winter sport while avoiding frostbitten limbs. Win. 

Yesterday I woke up to snow flakes falling against the window! And it continued into the afternoon to provide us with some pretty awesome skiing! So soft and smooth to glide on. 

Wheeeeeeeee!

I really do love this blog. Having spent a hell of lot of time procrastinating on it crafting it with just the right shade of orange, which beautificiously [Beautiful + delicious. Anyone scrunching their noses right now go watch Stephen Fry's rant. Booyah!] complements that particular shade of green.... Ok so I'm a uni student its not like I attend class or anything.

So anyway multiple years later, I still nod my head when reading the rants I've published on this about relationships/ people etc and  I'M STILL PROCRASTINATING. Wtf. Now that I'm older, wiser, further into my degree (need to hunt down omniscient being to figure out how that happened), I have a 12,000 word thesis to write in ONE MONTH.  Technically 10 days because my supervisor wants a full draft first.

WHY do I get myself into these ridiculous situations?

On the bright side, my blog title is still relevant. Hooray. 

Plunging in

Heh. So I haven't posted in several years and the spammers have been trying to squat on it presumably with intention of getting their clammy paws on it but its mine, MINE g'damit! This tiny little piece of the websphere with my favourite colours recording some of my favourite rants. Chances are no one reads it anymore but whatevs :D

Anyway, I have the writing bug again! I suspect it bit me because I updated google reader and began to systematically follow my favourite blogs again. 

The craziness began on the road. 

So I'm in the car, being driven back from Melbourne. Phone rings, honours supervisor's number comes up. 

Panic attack. 

There may or may not have been some terrified throwing of the phone onto the next seat and putting a pillow on top of it. 

Ahem. 

Fast forward through 2 hours of rumination (The university loves me, it loves me not, but maybe it does love me, oh god it definitely doesn't love me) and l refuse to call back. The Boy, no stranger to these tormented mental journeys waits patiently for some sanity to return. 'You can make concrete plans once you know' he says. Annoyingly rational. Then, finally I am ready. Yes, I can handle the rejection. It will be okay. 

And the phone line is faulty when I returned the call. Of course, right? Of blooming course.

Anyway 12 hours later I found out I got in! Hooray! 

A celebratory evening of friends, wine, pasta and Dr Horrible's Sing Along Blog ensued. 

I hate being 'in like'

You know what I don't get about unrequited 'like'? How could a connection possibly be only one way? You make me laugh, you make me think, you make me feel completely alive and annoyed and challenged and beautiful all at the same time. G'darn you. I didn't WANT to feel like this. IRRITATING, thats what you and your puppy eyes are.

*breathe*

How could it possibly be one way? It just doesn't make sense to me. If one person is affected, surely the other person is too? Of course the fact that it took me more than a year to realise, and kept being mean to him/ running away from him is a minor detail. Right?

It hit me about 2 months ago, I have a type! :D This meaningful piece of information dispensed the haziness that used to be any type of attraction to males. Very rarely has any member of that species appealed to me as more than a friend and that is apparently because my type seems to be quite rare. I like very cheeky and naughty with a good boy exterior. Think Robbie Williams meets Hugh Jackman. Sigh.

So anyway, this particularly troublesome specimen is driving me up the wall. Does he like me, does he not like me - hypothetical flowers are losing their petals at a rate and I'm still not getting an answer. Looking back on the year I've known him I'm pretty surprised he even talks to me. Oh, I was so mean to him. In affection, of course, not sure if he knows that. At 3am I'm haunted by how needlessly horrible I was. But then he scared me by being terrifyingly caring and sweet. Maybe its just a rebound thing, but OMG it's doing my head in!

Keep vacillating between:

cutting him out of my life:

I'll never know if maybe he would like me back

I'd miss him as a friend

I'd always wonder where he is/what the weather is like there/ what he's doing/whether he's happy. especially that last one.

I would upset me so much if he did that to me.

immediate action = immediate relief from suspense

I can get over it already, g'damnit.

clean cut solution to the problem

no awkward conversation

telling him immediately over sms:

Haven't seen him in a while, dunno how he'll take it

hate having important convs over impersonal mediums of communication

he's more likely to freak out

get it over with, move on, quit whinging

telling him in person:

i have to wait about a month!!

I might throw myself off a cliff and/or drive my friends to violence/self-harm in the meantime

suspense makes me lose my mind

this conv is best had in person

I can make him understand its not a big deal and convince him to stay friends.

make sure its not awkward for him

and there is this silly girly voice in my head which says maybe he'll like me back... i make him laugh too... and he likes my company... maybe...

GAH!!!!

Still 12 and oh so confused

I'm not old enough to be a 20 something! It's all a traumatising mistake, I was in the wrong line somewhere, lost in my own little fuzzy world and the title of 'adult' was bestowed upon me while I daydreamed about all the wonderful things I would be when I grow up. Still dreaming, still a little girl wondering what all these strange things such as tax returns and lab reports are doing in my little pig-tailed life.

There is some secret which all adults know and haven't told me! There is no way I can be considered a responsible adult, if only they knew what actually goes on in my mind, my constant struggle with self discipline. I need more time to get ready to face the world! The last time I checked, I was about 12... thats too old to cry with frustration which is what I really want to do right now. But big girls don't cry.

I need a cuddle.

Hope they don't take away my drivers licence when They realise.

Struggle Town

So,

Sat down to write this essay which is overdue by more days than I want to count, I realised some useful facts.

(a) Facebook stalker skills can, to a certain extent be used for proper research. No, really its not just justification, its that honing in on a target thing.

(b) There is always some marvelous chappie who, several decades previously, spent time amalgamating research into a single wonderful journal article that enables you to write 3,000 words on a topic and sound like you've read many dozen articles.

God bless his soul.

May he rest in peace.

And have large amounts of good karma.

'Heartless'

I'm not the crying sort, find it rather unhelpful and pointless in most situations. This book had tears streaming down till 3am. Simple, straightforward language expressing emotions raw like skin scraping against rough concrete. The certainty based on rationality with which I approach life in general was given a severe shaking, casually churned over a few times and tossed back onto the floor. Heart wrenching helplessness. How is it that 'real' life never makes me feel like this?

A fleeting half second of doubt. Should I have walked away from him? Perhaps it was good, better than I realised and the fault was with me, and my inability to be still. But sanity reigned. Even amongst emotional chaos and racing thoughts my gut reassures me I am where I want to be. Where I should be. And so is he. Moving more swiftly than expected towards a type of happiness and contentment we could never get from each other. So much chemistry dissolving, dissolved into nothingness. Or perhaps transformed into another form of energy, more stable, softer, less demanding.

After several years of long distance his voice is the most familiar, most Him to me. Deep and warm and comforting, even now when he isn't mine anymore. I used to lose focus on the words and just let the feelings wash over me, snuggle into the security offered. A lot has changed, there are things we cannot say anymore, there are things we cannot say just yet. Ten minutes of small talk can still calm me down. We are where we should be.