Thursday, 29 October 2009

Still 12 and oh so confused

I'm not old enough to be a 20 something! It's all a traumatising mistake, I was in the wrong line somewhere, lost in my own little fuzzy world and the title of 'adult' was bestowed upon me while I daydreamed about all the wonderful things I would be when I grow up. Still dreaming, still a little girl wondering what all these strange things such as tax returns and lab reports are doing in my little pig-tailed life.

There is some secret which all adults know and haven't told me! There is no way I can be considered a responsible adult, if only they knew what actually goes on in my mind, my constant struggle with self discipline. I need more time to get ready to face the world! The last time I checked, I was about 12... thats too old to cry with frustration which is what I really want to do right now. But big girls don't cry.

I need a cuddle.

Hope they don't take away my drivers licence when They realise.

Tuesday, 20 October 2009

Struggle Town


Sat down to write this essay which is overdue by more days than I want to count, I realised some useful facts.

(a) Facebook stalker skills can, to a certain extent be used for proper research. No, really its not just justification, its that honing in on a target thing.

(b) There is always some marvelous chappie who, several decades previously, spent time amalgamating research into a single wonderful journal article that enables you to write 3,000 words on a topic and sound like you've read many dozen articles.

God bless his soul.
May he rest in peace.
And have large amounts of good karma.

Friday, 9 October 2009


I'm not the crying sort, find it rather unhelpful and pointless in most situations. This book had tears streaming down till 3am. Simple, straightforward language expressing emotions raw like skin scraping against rough concrete. The certainty based on rationality with which I approach life in general was given a severe shaking, casually churned over a few times and tossed back onto the floor. Heart wrenching helplessness. How is it that 'real' life never makes me feel like this?

A fleeting half second of doubt. Should I have walked away from him? Perhaps it was good, better than I realised and the fault was with me, and my inability to be still. But sanity reigned. Even amongst emotional chaos and racing thoughts my gut reassures me I am where I want to be. Where I should be. And so is he. Moving more swiftly than expected towards a type of happiness and contentment we could never get from each other. So much chemistry dissolving, dissolved into nothingness. Or perhaps transformed into another form of energy, more stable, softer, less demanding.

After several years of long distance his voice is the most familiar, most Him to me. Deep and warm and comforting, even now when he isn't mine anymore. I used to lose focus on the words and just let the feelings wash over me, snuggle into the security offered. A lot has changed, there are things we cannot say anymore, there are things we cannot say just yet. Ten minutes of small talk can still calm me down. We are where we should be.