'Heartless'

I'm not the crying sort, find it rather unhelpful and pointless in most situations. This book had tears streaming down till 3am. Simple, straightforward language expressing emotions raw like skin scraping against rough concrete. The certainty based on rationality with which I approach life in general was given a severe shaking, casually churned over a few times and tossed back onto the floor. Heart wrenching helplessness. How is it that 'real' life never makes me feel like this?

A fleeting half second of doubt. Should I have walked away from him? Perhaps it was good, better than I realised and the fault was with me, and my inability to be still. But sanity reigned. Even amongst emotional chaos and racing thoughts my gut reassures me I am where I want to be. Where I should be. And so is he. Moving more swiftly than expected towards a type of happiness and contentment we could never get from each other. So much chemistry dissolving, dissolved into nothingness. Or perhaps transformed into another form of energy, more stable, softer, less demanding.

After several years of long distance his voice is the most familiar, most Him to me. Deep and warm and comforting, even now when he isn't mine anymore. I used to lose focus on the words and just let the feelings wash over me, snuggle into the security offered. A lot has changed, there are things we cannot say anymore, there are things we cannot say just yet. Ten minutes of small talk can still calm me down. We are where we should be.