Tuesday, 24 June 2008


Escaped to warmer climates for a week, benefits of living in a large continent with sub tropical state. It's been good for the soul, hanging out, partying, disregarding space and time. Entirely guiltless lying around on a sunny deck, catching up with friends, reading all night, walking around the city all night, impromptu salsa dancing in the square, eating deliciously unhealthy amounts of ice cream for meals just because. It's important to sit back and see what's being going on. Had a nice night with a very cute boy with dimples and expressive grey green eyes that soften when he laughs. Why is it that wanting someone to notice you invariably ends up in embarrassment? Or at least what you think is embarrassment. Think it went pretty well but there will be more disappearing into the universe happening in a couple of days, which is somehow alright.

Perspective - that's what holidays are all about. Stepping back to figure out how far away you are from who you want to be, because a certain amount of deviation seems to always happen in between waking up every morning and going to sleep every night. Kinda wish there were more markers along the way. There's an episode in the third season of House where the patient develops a rather far out disease where he can read people and then mirror their core personality traits back at them. I'd really like to know what mine are, have a feeling its changed rather drastically from about two years ago.

Wednesday, 11 June 2008


Watched Miss Pettigrew lives for a day, because even though I'm supposed to be cramming my ass off for 48 hours a day, the trailers caught my attention. I love movies that pick you up by the scruff of the neck and place you squarely, sometimes not so gently in another time and completely different world. Two hours of being caught up in an alternate reality with certain rules that ensure a basic degree of emotional safety. By this I mean that you know a romantic comedy will have either a blatant, often unrealistic happy ending or at the very least a neat, hopeful ending. In the middle, there will be tears, confusion and personal chaos. The music will tell you what to feel, and also what is about to happen, another method of preparing you. A sad movie is doomed from the start, and there signposts along the way. This doesn't mean that you don't get attached to the characters or that the plot is boring, just that it is clear a prior investment in tissues is necessary. Also, don't wear contact lenses. 

Anyway, trotted along for my happiness fix, brought down the average age in the theatre by about 60 years and became immersed in a crazy upper class 1930s London. It is not meant to be taken too seriously, its light and mostly fun. The one issue it did bring up however is the games people play. Lies, falsely hinting at things, pretending and then people wonder how it all got so complicated. Why they don't get what they want. Gee, I wonder. When did it all get so complicated?

Don't get me wrong, I find the little harmless mind games on the side lots of fun, but nothing significant even if I wanted to because I'm totally crap at hiding how I feel. Happy - smile, Sad -no smiles/quiet/expressionless/go to sleep. Life is too short for bullshit when it comes to the important stuff. Get a life, seriously. 

As a kid I was anti relationships, the whole finding a boy, getting married, damn picket fence in the mind numbing suburbs. Partly from not having particularly endearing examples of a marriage, partly from believing there is something dodgy about so much of your life depending on someone else; surely it's more about building your own life and person. I still think I'm kinda right, marriage isn't really necessary anymore, and townhouses are great, however, the people in your life make it what it is in many many ways. The boy has a large role, that's inescapable which makes it tempting to turn lesbian sometimes, the best friends and the good friends are all important to making it through with that fun, delicate balance of sanity and insanity. 

So what's with the creating murky waters? If you can't tell the people closest to your life the awkward things that even you wish you didn't know, perhaps that tells you something. Chances are, they'll surprise you. Or you get to filter for weeds.

Wednesday, 4 June 2008

Why seven??

Ok I'm guessing everyone knows about the new tagging thing with rules. Hehe.. there seem to be far, far less than seven degrees of separation in the SL blogosphere, thus the tags from Gutterflower, Meese, and Jane Doe.

- Link your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
- Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
- Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
- Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. I twirl my hair when I am tired or concentrating on something, even though my hair is about three inches long right now. 

2. My digestive system has a heart - if I'm happy I get noticeably fatter and curvier without even trying, and without my weight changing at all.

3. Slightly addicted to getting haircuts. 

4. Coffee, chocolate, caffeine pills have no energy effect on me whatsoever. Once I went from reasonably awake to actually nodding off because of a mocha. 

5. Buying stationery gives me a sense of purpose.

6. I've stopped watching Winnie-the-Pooh movies because I start sobbing my eyes out. Every. Single. Time.

7. What I wear generally tends to reflects my mood quite well. Not quite sure which one comes first.

Ok now to make sure nothing nasty happens to me:

Have fun! I'm off to pretend to study.

Monday, 2 June 2008

Maybe I don't wanna hold your hand...

After a little pondering, I've reached the conclusion that there are two types of trust. 

1 - blind faith in the other person
2 - faith in your judgement, the ability to recognise what the person is and is not capable of doing. 

I can think of only two people I'd trust in the first way, and even that is based on the fact that I believe I know them well enough to know they're solid. Gold. Personally, I think the first type on its own is delusional and asking for trouble. 

Information is power. The more you know of someone, history, the choices they've made - under stress, impulsively, when very drunk, when angry, when they just stubbornly wanted something - it all adds up to give a picture of how strong a character the person has. How far they can keep in focus what they really want, and what they have to do to get that while there are all kinds of delicious distractions along the way.

Ooo.. trust + delicious distractions in one sentence, surely this is about relationships and delectably sordid fooling around right? Partly. It's also about people relying on each other in general. With a close friend, you give your self esteem just a little bit. They are privy to information that carries with it some of your pride, your ego. They are put into situations where conflicts of interest arise and it is a prisoner's dilemma. To tell or not to tell? Whose ass to save? Will they safeguard you over their ego? 

Then there is the even more interesting question, can you trust them to recognise when you/your ego needs protecting? In the rush of wanting something, would they be able to step back and realise the cost to you? Or just rush in to get what they want, satisfy their ego and then think 'oops' a few moments too late?  

To trust someone completely because you know you cannot trust him at all, wouldn't that be ironic. 

Life and love with an emotional Pyrrhus

I love debate. Not the organised people in rows talking against the clock stuff, but the real deal the way the old philosophers did it, one on one or small groups, people actually listening to each other, bothering to figure out different points of view, large scale consumption of wine, wit and what in my head I see as a charged atmosphere of intelligent open minded people enjoying expanding their thinking. Yes, granted, some might call that a delusion of an idealist, but I've come across people who would have fit right into that room I see in my mind. 

One person, who is currently making my blood boil and imagination overflow with satisfyingly violent thoughts would've been kicked out of that room, hopefully with a spear up his ass. To be fair, I think everyone has certain blind spots in which they don't want to hear/ are not interested in the other side of the coin. When it comes to female circumcision, I don't care about the culture argument, being a female and painfully aware that with a little shift of fate I could have been born as one of the [probably conservatively] estimated 92 million girls over age 10 in Africa who have had to undergo THIS. I don't care that its tradition, its barbaric, demented and anyone involved should to be shot. In the stomach. With a single cyanide coated bullet. And left to bleed to death. While forced to watch Bold and the Beautiful. Hung, drawn and quartered is also a particular creative genius that would suffice. 

*Exhale* Anyway! Getting back to the point, there are some people who really do only see a world of their own making. It is futile to describe any other picture to them, on par with showing a dog a rainbow [Dogs are colour-blind]. 

C is a normally lovely boy with a good heart, capable of doing the sweetest things. However in an intellectual debate or a crunch time situation involving emotions, he's just a dog in his little black and white world. What frustrates me the most is that by no means is he one of the stereotyped boys who are emotionally ignorant. Oh no, on the contrary he can go on for literally hours [having been at the receiving end of these self-pitying rants, I wish that was an exaggeration] with excruciating detail into carefully thought out complex arguments as to why he has been hard done by and betrayed as he 'always' is, oh poor him that believed in and opened his vulnerable heart to cruel human kind.. etc etc ad nauseam, oh Zeus please thunderbolt me now!

On an intellectual level its fascinating to observe how it happens. Conversations with him resemble laps round a Nascar circuit, it doesn't matter about the possibilities out there, he wants to be 'right' and will take whatever it takes, including building walls and a stadium to make sure that its just not possible to go anywhere near an exciting rally track with forests and dirt roads and unexpected twists. Which is what a proper debate should be like. He will do, literally whatever it takes, including subtle self esteem manipulation to keep you going round and round in the same circle. So he's always right. Usually because logic is screwed but delivery it so forceful, its not worth the fight. A Pyrrhic victory. As a result, so many interesting ideas, potentially mind-blowing angles of thought are slammed out of his life. And even that one can say is fair enough, after all he can probably live quite happily without being willing to listen to TRY understanding why war crimes tribunals are important *cringe*. I personally cant handle that, it made me cry, but oh well.

It's when this mindset, a concretely set mind spills over into emotional situations that things get messy. When you have a rigid image of what you want from other people, when there are expectations of the way people should be that leave no room for who they actually are, and what they want from their life or how they do things, the conditions are set for cyclones to be a brewing.

Intentions or reasons behind actions suddenly have no value, unless of course they are his intentions and actions. Thats a scary world to live in, with the human element in a sense is amputated, removed with the cold, sterile slice of a self indulgent surgeon's blade and only the actual deed, the dead limb is left. Misunderstanding, mistake, accident, unintentional are now words without meaning because they involve comprehending at an emotional level the other person's actions. To be honest, that would be okay if he applied the same rules to himself, or even SAW what he was doing, but of course, no. 

One particularly reflective friend once made the observation that when someone is overly sensitive, it invariably results in insensitivity toward other people, because it is very difficult to get over being wrapped up in how you feel, and see someone else's hurt or intentions.

Sometimes, it doesn't matter that you didn't get what you wanted/expected/hoped for from the person. Sometimes, it is more important that your friend is in a shit situation, making mistakes, slipping on a learning curve and needs your support. 

SS - This post is for you. You need what you need, don't ever let someone else guilt you away from reality. Love love love. 

Sunday evening, no rain is falling

Mmmm... the lingering moments between weekend and weekday. Dusk. Love that word. Such a musky sexy sound to it. On Sundays it heralds the end of pretending. Saturday mornings whisper of lazing around and enjoying the sun indefinitely, but its merely a subconsciously yearned for delusion, steadily dispelled by Sunday evenings. Don't have an issue with Monday per se, just its position in the scheme of things that well, stinks really. 

Interesting how learning curves never quit. Just when you're comfortable having figured out one level of crazy situations, it escalates and you find yourself drowning again. Kinda exhilarating, at least its a sure thing that general chaos awaits at pretty much every step. Also, thank goodness for the wise old owls that have been there before, renewed respect for tribal systems.