I hate being 'in like'

You know what I don't get about unrequited 'like'? How could a connection possibly be only one way? You make me laugh, you make me think, you make me feel completely alive and annoyed and challenged and beautiful all at the same time. G'darn you. I didn't WANT to feel like this. IRRITATING, thats what you and your puppy eyes are.

*breathe*

How could it possibly be one way? It just doesn't make sense to me. If one person is affected, surely the other person is too? Of course the fact that it took me more than a year to realise, and kept being mean to him/ running away from him is a minor detail. Right?

It hit me about 2 months ago, I have a type! :D This meaningful piece of information dispensed the haziness that used to be any type of attraction to males. Very rarely has any member of that species appealed to me as more than a friend and that is apparently because my type seems to be quite rare. I like very cheeky and naughty with a good boy exterior. Think Robbie Williams meets Hugh Jackman. Sigh.

So anyway, this particularly troublesome specimen is driving me up the wall. Does he like me, does he not like me - hypothetical flowers are losing their petals at a rate and I'm still not getting an answer. Looking back on the year I've known him I'm pretty surprised he even talks to me. Oh, I was so mean to him. In affection, of course, not sure if he knows that. At 3am I'm haunted by how needlessly horrible I was. But then he scared me by being terrifyingly caring and sweet. Maybe its just a rebound thing, but OMG it's doing my head in!

Keep vacillating between:

cutting him out of my life:

I'll never know if maybe he would like me back

I'd miss him as a friend

I'd always wonder where he is/what the weather is like there/ what he's doing/whether he's happy. especially that last one.

I would upset me so much if he did that to me.

immediate action = immediate relief from suspense

I can get over it already, g'damnit.

clean cut solution to the problem

no awkward conversation

telling him immediately over sms:

Haven't seen him in a while, dunno how he'll take it

hate having important convs over impersonal mediums of communication

he's more likely to freak out

get it over with, move on, quit whinging

telling him in person:

i have to wait about a month!!

I might throw myself off a cliff and/or drive my friends to violence/self-harm in the meantime

suspense makes me lose my mind

this conv is best had in person

I can make him understand its not a big deal and convince him to stay friends.

make sure its not awkward for him

and there is this silly girly voice in my head which says maybe he'll like me back... i make him laugh too... and he likes my company... maybe...

GAH!!!!