21st century kid

Woke up this morning after what must've been a traumatic night, cos all the hair on the left side of my head was sticking out horizontally. Fifteen minutes of talking to it soothingly, patting, twirling and dabbing with water proved futile so off to a strong burst of hot water it went. Another fifteen minutes later most of the it was in the biologically allocated position, a few strays popped up again later. Honestly! 

Noteworthy though, is that I first saw this situation in the reflection of the laptop screen as it was coming out of hibernation, and first instinct was to google the problem. Not reaction, instinct. Before the brain  had even begun to start processing the thought of waking up, before the blinds were opened, before feet touched the floor, the laptop was already switched on, mail had already been checked and cursor was blinking expectantly in the little google search bar.  

Ten seconds later a bleary brain still in a semi-comatose state pinged. A little half feeling that something is odd. Which is when it dawned that perhaps I have a problem. In a need to go for meetings and say my name before admitting it kind of way. This isn't normal, surely? To be so totally addicted to a computer, cute though it is, and the internet to the extent that you have to have it on all the time? And you do so in a sub-conscious state? 

So of course, I googled it :D There are tests for Internet addiction, support groups [online. haha], and blogs on the subject. A separate sub-category for those addicted to google ["The Coke of the web. Sweet, available everywhere and the first choice of the consumer"]. Basically there are addicts to everything, including job searches, rss feeds and of course blogging. Most of those are a bit over the top of course, at least some of those are tongue in cheek. Hopefully. 

What I find disturbing is the restlessness that turns up if the comp isn't on, or *GASP* the internet isn't working. Every time I've gone camping and there hasn't been phone reception for a few days, its been such a release to not be able to use it. Its partly the techie in me that tends to get overly caught up in the newest toys and programs, partly trying to keep the important long distance friendships going but this is a little insane. 

So, have decided that one extreme calls for a temporary swing to the other extreme. Which might entail switching off wireless for most of the day *gulp* and setting a timer :|. Good cause. Have to study too, shyte. So yes, looking forward to a few days of living in reality and going for walks, perhaps finding myself a cozy spot in a comfy tree and hanging out? :D Although haven't tried that in the winter before... Hmmm...

All the world's a stage, please can I, may I leave the theatre now?

Drama should be forcibly limited to when there are people acting. Which, of course takes place with or without a stage, costumes, lighting, a set. All very well, as long as its carefully put into one of those sealed isolation units in alien movies - monitored, any sign of leakage swiftly dealt with preferably in a method involving permanent separation. Basically, I fervently wish it would stay the hell away from my life, because I can't cope. 

Especially when there are large vats of other people's lifelong happiness at stake. Oh bloody hell, kill me now. Keep being told I'm good at calming people down etc etc.. Interesting, that, cos the only thing going on in my head is a brain shattering silent scream. Desire to sprint away and hide under the bed, violently muttering incoherencies while rocking and pulling at hair. Oh yes, and sucking thumb. When the white coats come, there will be one ready and eager to be incarcerated person enthusiastically bowling them over in a mad rush for the barred van door. Freedom. This kind of stress really is sanity destroying.

Also, freaking hate prisoner's dilemmas. So annoying that the equilibrium is rarely ever in the best outcome box. Theoretically, peacefully confined to the limits of a two dimensional page its fun and interesting, in real life it can kiss my shapely posterior - I freaking need my sleep. As might possibly be evident, haven't had sufficient quantities of that. 

Grrrrr... 

*curls up under quilt*

Ten happiness inducing things

Ok I was caught by Sach, first time in this little blog's life that its been tagged! Sooo.. in no particular order:

1 - Big Sunday brunch in the sun with a good book at a cosy, friendly little street cafe.

2 - The energy and possibilities of a city, particularly Melbourne

3 - Picking up the phone and hearing the voice of someone I love, especially first thing in the morning.

4 - Daydreaming

5 - Friendly dogs - labs are number one on that list.

6 - Beautiful, lyrical writing, that brings alive a feeling or a moment.

7 - Hugs - proper borderline bone crushing, I love you and never want to let you go hugs. 

8 - Laughing and getting on a natural high with friends

9 - Funky gadgets

10 - Interesting conversations with unusual people. 

Kaiser, 

Cerno,  

Ravana [though perhaps acknowledging a tag might make him mortal, oops? :D ]

Tagged! You're it! [Is that even the same game? Hmm...]

Hazy shades of cramming

Made it through mid semester assessment, vaguely alive. As usual muttering profanities at the idiotic previous self that chilled out and procrastinated, leaving things till there was no later left. 

Afterwards, I got to think about why it is that cramming works. What is it about that last minute desperation, that makes learning so much easier, more efficient and effortless compared to when you've actually got time to 'learn properly'? Honest to whatever greater being there is out there, I did try to study weekly. Economics for example, at least an hour or two was spent trying to read that textbook and giving up because it was just a collection of gibberish sentences and what looked to me like random lines all over the place, wont even get started on the equations that didn't equate to anything visible. So yes, gave up and went ahead with all the kazillion more interesting things there are to do. 

5 weeks later, roughly 6 hours before the exam, rummaged through a few boxes, dug out the book, blew away the dust, sneezed for about half a hour, etc etc usual process, and opened it fully expecting a headache. Had even carefully positioned Panadols, M&Ms and glasses of water. 2 hours later, I'm positively gliding through pages upon pages of this stuff, all of which makes perfect sense and is actually interesting!! 

How does that happen?? I timed the grief inducing chapter so lovingly mentioned earlier  - took 20 minutes[!!#$%!] to read through and everything just fell into place. Kinda like the parting of the sea, suddenly vast areas of dry land where there used to be enough water to drown in. I've heard of people mentioning being 'in the zone' which might explain it, but not entirely sure what that is exactly. 

So, with a month to go for finals, I'm sitting here trying to convince myself that exams are tomorrow. For some reason myself is laughing back at me. Sigh. Winter exams suck. What little motivation survives the procrastination gets frostbite and goes on strike. A little hypnosis would be useful right about now.

Memo

Good resolutions involve cleaning, clearing, filing, organising, alphabeticalising, colour-coding and writing lists. Usually a happy process, because of course, from now on I will be organised, and efficient and responsible and not a procrastinator. In the middle of the back patting and general sense of purpose, an awful doomed feeling crashed the party. I've done this sooo many times in my [shortish] life so far. The clean desk, the suddenly filled with writing organiser. And it keeps coming back to this. It's scary to think that lucking out is most likely a scarce commodity which has been mined as if it were unlimited. Yikes. The lucky streak is going to run out. I don't want to be bankrupt!! 

Never want to do this again. There's a limit to optimism, it needs some help from reality to keep going. It's Autumn: running out of new leaves to turn.

xxx

The 'just before' sucks. Waiting for something to happen, either good or bad. For all the lasts to be over: last night, last day, last meal, last trip up the mountain, last hug, last look, last wave, last glimpse. Interesting how the airport is divided into the happy arrivals section [Love Actually!] and the often awkward departure lounges, where people are waiting for those final minutes to pass. Holding onto those, willing them to either just go on forever or disappear entirely - all physically impossible. And there's nothing else to be done really, except wait for them to pass, to get onto the process of mentally, emotionally, adjusting to the new version of existence. Weird, walking into a building, walking out half an hour later and so many things just not there anymore.